Orchestrating my own destiny

It is the first day of the year and I am listening to Jamie Cullen interviewing Harry Connick Junior on Radio 2 . The Jazz music providing a chilled out background to my baking. This first thing I have decided to bake is something from last year. Skinny Peanut Butter Peanut Flapjacks. I have a fridge full of dates to use up and a cupboard filled with of tubs of peanut butter. This generally feels like a healthy recipe. Dates, peanut butter, honey, oats and egg whites. I also remember them being quite tasty when I made them last year. The author of the recipe states that they can be made with any type of nut butter to add flavour, texture and nutrient ion without the high fat and refined sugar. 
While I was waiting for the water to evaporate away in the date mixture, I was trying to think about how I was going to do things differently in 2019. I will be 43 years old in July and it feels like it’s about time that I take ownership of my life!

It seems like a strange thing to say. However what I think I am referring to is, trying to be the orchestrator of my destiny instead of letting things just happen to me and getting upset when it does not go the way I want it to go. There was a time in my life, a few years a ago when I somehow lost that control and gave it over to people and things that just should not have been. And so the narrative for me has been that of a person who fails to see a way out of situations without taking the most drastic of actions. It has been an all or nothing situation. There never seem to have been an compromise or negotiation and whenever there was, it was almost never in my favour. So I here am I half listening to the radio and thinking, well no more. No more of that nonsense. I’m too old and too grey for that now. I do not have the luxury of time anymore and I’m not a naive little thing in her 20s anymore. I need to stand up for myself just a bit better than I have been. I never really do conflict but it I think perhaps I should protest more if things are not going my way. I think I need to face life as it really is, not how I want it to be. My spirit tells me that I need to take it a day at a time. That it will not be just one event but it will be an attitude. A purpose of being. I will stand a little taller, walk a little more confidently. Just allow myself to be, without apology.

And so these flapjacks are complete. They will serve as snacks for this week and next when I return to work. I will also start to take more responsibility for me and myself and will not expect anything or anybody to take on that role.

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