Sometimes I bake for people outside my little household. On Sunday afternoon I baked some scones for me and my friend to eat during book club. On Monday night I baked some for our Tuesday team meeting, the first face to face meeting of the year. I chose a recipe from Sabrina Ghayour’s ‘Sirroco’. It looked like a simple recipe to make and would mean that I would use up the oranges and dates that have been hanging around for a while feeling useless.

I was hoping to make up for the terrible scones that I made last year. Somehow they still bother me, totally silly I know! There are more pressing issues in the world right now…

So I followed the recipe step by step and they came out perfectly. They smelt heavenly and just in time for a tiny snack after our lunch.

Then I took the rest over to my friends house for bookclub. It was the first meeting of the year and we were discussing ‘Hold My Girl’ by Charlene Carr. It’s an emotive story about two women, two children (one live, one who did not survive) and an IVF switch. I’d read the book quite quickly in December. It was good. However I found myself quite numb and detached while reading it, in a way that I’ve not experienced or expected.

I think that I found the talk about motherhood in all forms, incredibly painful and triggering. It did not really matter that it was a story, the author had written the book so well that I could feel on a deep and visceral level what she was trying to convey with each of the main characters. And while normally I would immerse myself in all the emotions and turmoil as part of the reading experience, this time I didn’t, couldn’t. It was like I was hanging back and just observing with curiosity from the sidelines.

I remember thinking, as I was reading the book, that despite the impossible situation that both these imaginary characters were in, they were at least mothers. Not in they way they expected but that’s what they were and would always be. And I thought to myself, and I am not, nor will I ever be, and filled me with a deep deep sadness.

It did make me realise why I was never interested in adopting children, how I was more interested in being pregnant, giving birth and nursing a baby. All of that deep profound physical experience and connection with another human being that I will never have. But then I wonder to myself, do I remember my own experiences at that time. Does it influence my current day to day existence. Is all of that a necessary survival procedure that we have dressed up in fluff and sentiment?

So I was pretty much speechless for most of bookclub because that was what I wanted to say but it wasn’t the right time and place for that conversation. I did eventually push through my internal maelstrom and contribute something to the discussion right at the very end.

My friend and I ate a few of the scones, her carrot muffins and banana bread. I left the rest of the batch for her two sons.

So that meeting made me feel a a little down. I was not quite sure what to do with those feelings. So I baked another batch of scones (we had a ridiculous amount of oranges and dates lying around ) on Monday night after an uplifting and joyous choir practice. I tried not to think about babies and concentrated on getting ready for work. I did well. The second batch came out nicely and I returned home from work with an empty container.

So, if you would like to make theses delicious baked goods (without the added melancholy) the details and references are below

Ingredients

250 g self-raising flour, plus extra for dusting

1 heaped tsp baking powder

50 g salted butter, at room temperature

2 tsp ground cinnamon

Finely grated zest of 2 unwaxed oranges

30 g caster sugar

1 large egg

125 ml milk, plus extra for glazing

100 g large dates, pitted and roughly chopped

To serve

Butter or clotted cream

Honey

Ground cinnamon

Method

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 200°C/gas mark 6. Line a baking tray with baking paper.

Step 2

Put the flour and baking powder into a large bowl, then rub the butter into the flour using your fingertips until the mixture resembles breadcrumbs. Add the cinnamon, orange zest, sugar, egg, milk and dates and work the mixture into a sticky, soft dough.

Step 3

Sprinkle some flour on to a clean surface and roll out the dough until it is just under 2.5cm thick. Using a round pastry cutter or a small glass, stamp out as many rounds of the dough as you can and place them on the baking tray.

Brush each dough circle with milk. Bake for 12-15 minutes or until the scones are nicely risen and golden brown.

Step 5

Transfer to a wire rack and leave to cool before smothering with butter or clotted cream, honey and a sprinkle of cinnamon.

Reference ‘Sirocco’ Sabrina Ghayour, page 214.

https://www.sainsburys.co.uk/gol-ui/recipes/orange-and-date-cinnamon-scones