Overcoming my fears

My ‘fears’ seem to permeate and influence everything that I do, or most likely don’t do. Sometimes my ‘fears’ mean that there are somethings that I persuade myself not to do or perhaps I do them in a way that doesn’t take me far from my comfort zone. I understand that this doesn’t help me grow. I understand that this doesn’t help me expand into whatever potential I or the situation might have.

I know this because other people tell me this all the time – my husband very astute at picking this out ‘it’s because of your fears Bunmi!’. I sometimes struggle to use the information that people give me, combined with what I know about myself to make sustainable changes to my behaviors. It can cause tension and friction. I do find that I do chip away at my fault lines, I’m not a completely lost cause. I have small epiphanies, victories and breakthroughs and the change does come eventually. But it feels all too slow for a life that can be all too short.

I have become better at challenging my feelings, thoughts, actions, if I find that any of them are uncomfortable. I try to think about how I got to that place. What the consequences might be if I made different choices? Choices not rooted in fear.

What exactly are you afraid of Bunmi…?

I think my biggest fears and therefore one of my biggest challenges to overcome, are that of a fear of change and a fear of failure.

Change

I’m understanding as the years go by and I know myself better than I just don’t like change! Call me Stable Sally or Fearful Fiona or Permanent Penelope. I’m quite happy with many status quo‘s in my life. However, I think I should probably quantify that. I think change is generally a good thing if change doesn’t make life more difficult in the long run? Then it’s obviously a great thing. We have to evolve that is just the nature of life. I think what I, like many people, don’t like is when it is foisted upon oneself and there is no control and it generally brings long term negative effects. And in that case, I guess I’m probably not different to anyone else on the planet! I guess perhaps where I struggle is how much energy I put into resisting change and what changes am I busy resisting! I am a person what wants to be in control the whole time even though I know it is not possible. I am constantly learning to manage my expectations in multiple social, personal and professional situations that I find myself in where I am not the orchestrator of change. I am slowly getting better at this, especially work, where there is sometimes so much change, where, while I can see why it is happening, I still don’t like. I have become better at expressing my views, offering solutions if I can, if appropriate and then expericening the little bit of peace that comes with knowing that I spoke up, that I was not a passive recipient of this unwanted, unpleasant and distressing change.

Another fear, related to the process of change is one in which I fear that I cannot affect the changes that I want to make in my personal life or professional life – when potentially I should be in control. One of the biggest challenges that I constantly face in the more than two decades that I’ve been a doctor, is striving to maintain a sensible work -life balance. That’s really difficult and has been a challenge for me since day one of stepping on the wards as a new qualified house officer.  Good clinical care does take time, more time that we have available. It has been be a challenge, that I have never been successfull in managing, not to let work spill over and eat into my personal life, my personal space , my emotional energies.

As a clinician you always feel compelled to say ‘yes’ to every request, every demand. However, what I have learnt through years of experience is that sometimes the answer just has to be ‘no’. I can’t do this right now. Someone else will have to do it. It will have to wait. Sometimes we just have to acknowledge that tomorrow is literally another day, an opportunity to start again, start afresh. Pick up where you left off. My work as consultant community paediatrician is completely different to working on an acute paediatric ward. However the demands and expectations are high and meeting them is a challenge.

Failure

Being a doctor, I constantly have a fear of failure. What if I don’t get it right? Have I thought of everything? However with  experience, you understand actually we don’t always get it right, we too are human. You learn to reflect on situations that have not gone as well as expected.  You learn to own your mistakes, you think about other choices that could have been made. You understand the factors that influenced the choice that was made. You ask for help, you speak to colleagues, you support your colleagues. You strive to do better, always.  It’s constant work. It never ends.

Like many people, I don’t do New Year’s resolutions anymore. It’s now all about goals. I guess my goals for 2024 look like trying to overcome these challenges I have just mentioned. I think I’m making progress in many aspects of my life, but I wonder if I could just be a bit better. I wonder if I could fully be who I was created to be, what I was put on Earth to do.

I think, this year, I will try not to be the person that holds myself back. In this challenging and difficult world, I don’t need to be first in the queue for that spot!

2024 goals

I will accept that change is inevitable, it’s necessary for growth and evolution, it’s not always negative

I will continue to communicate and connect with others – I am not alone in this world, I can support and be supported by others

I will set realistic expectations and understand that taking small steps is OK and sometimes we go backwards before we go forwards.

I will reduce my exposure to negativity and think about postives

I will make self-care a priority – if I cannot help myself, how can I help others

What are your biggest challenges and how will you face them in 2024? Drop me a line, I’d be interested to hear and learn!